This picture is screaming for a good caption. If you have a funny line that fits this picture, comment below.

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When I first returned to church after a long absence a few things jumped out at me. I was shocked that some things had not changed at all. I witnessed a great deal of change within my field of computer technology but I didn’t see the same degree of change in the church. Other things were new to me; one was Christians making fun of themselves. A friend referred me to Jon Acuff’s blog Stuff Christians Like and I saw comedian Tim Hawkins lampooning Christians with a ballad about the well-known Christian business Chic-Fil-A. With just the right mixture of joy and bitterness, here’s my list of Christian snippets, what are yours?

Churchianity (n): groups of Christians who meet to no different outcome with or without the Holy Spirit

Justifixation: tendency to insert the word “just” to affect intimacy in prayer, sometimes a substitute for “um” or “uh”

Bible “versus” (n): Bible verses yanked from their original context to serve selfish ambition

Sistern (n): a female Christian who speaks harshly

Histian (n) [hissss chun]: a male Christian who speaks harshly

Prayernertia (n): tendency to pray in the same way as one hears others pray

Grinister (v): attempting to serve others with a game show host grin instead of actually engaging them

Dementia (n) : the tendency as one ages to purchase collector items from the Franklin Mint on the shopping channel

Speaking in Tongs (v) : liberal use of potluck dinners in outreach, popularized by Baptists, still widely practiced but some believe that it passed away at the end of the apostolic period

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I was raised Southern Baptist, okay?! I’m not sure why I felt obligated to say that up front or why this topic makes me so tense. I’m a worshiper,  in fact, it was listening to “worship” music that I remembered from more than 20 years prior that was partially responsible for the end of my lengthy prodigal run. God intervened directly in my life — that was unmistakable — but I was left with this question: Which God intervened directly in my life? Bad experiences in Christian church buildings had contributed to my disenchantment with God so I was prejudiced against this God being that God, the Christian God.

I made a CD of some old Christian songs that I remembered, mostly simple choruses and hymns, and noticed that ;my heart would soar listening to them. Now I knew that it was that God after all. I would listen to this music when I was driving alone and often raised my available right hand. This was noteworthy because I was not a hand raiser in my youth.

When I finally worked up the nerve to walk into a church building again, I walked into a building full of hand raisers. I did not want to conform at any level because I still held some bitterness toward Christian congregations, I, of course would not raise my hands. I assumed that anyone who did desperately needed attention and I despised them.

I had a dilemma, I found that raising my hands was a spontaneous expression of worship for me but I did not want to appear to be “one of those”, whatever “those” are. I sought seats at the rear of the congregation so I could raise my hands at will and yet make it clear to everyone else that I did not need attention. This felt disingenuous — I use that word because it sounds much better than “fraud-like” or its dreaded twin “hypocritical”. I’m not sure why I was surprised that holding strong resentment toward Christians in general and hand raisers in particular impeded my worship. It took me months to unravel this truth while I repeatedly tried to reconcile the difference between the spontaneous, unfettered Richard and the uptight, contemptuous one.

Now I raise my hands when I feel it and don’t when I don’t. I most often raise just my right hand, bending it at the elbow over and over in celebratory praise. Of course, if you are new to our local congregation, this appears a great deal like a really big guy angrily shaking his fist at God. I’ll call this “cognitive dissonance” because it sounds more Christian than “frightening the children”.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. \o/

Psalm 63:4

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Only Mr. Sheepykins and his bff McSheep understood the slow times in the Kentucky Derby this year.

Mr. Sheepykins often wondered why his mom called him a follower.

Though happy that his friends fared well, Mr. Sheepykins hung his head about his own SAT scores.

Mr. Sheepykins tried acting but lamented that he and his young actor friends were so readily typecast.

Mr. Sheepykins was secretly jealous that his friend was more fashion-forward than he.

Mr. Sheepykins briefly dreamed of NASCAR glory but his close friend Baaahbee nixed the plan.

Despite careful planning, Mr. Sheepykins relationship with Baabaa Blacksheep went public.

His parents had to confront reality after they saw Mr. Sheepykins in the mug shot.

I see dead sheeple.

After seeing what Hannibwool Lecter had done to his mom, Mr. Sheepykins was never the same.

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